So Sorry

I'm sorry
Two words I always think
After you've gone
When I realize I was acting all wrong

So selfish
Two words that could describe
Old actions of mine
When patience is in short supply

We don't need to say goodbye
We don't need to fight and cry
Oh we, we could hold each other tight tonight

We're so helpless
We're slaves to our impulses
We're afraid of our emotions
And no one knows where the shore is
We're divided by the ocean
And the only thing I know is
That the answer isn't for us
No the answer isn't for us

I'm sorry
Two words I always think
After you've gone
When I realize I was acting all wrong

We don't need to say goodbye
We don't need to fight and cry
We, we could hold each other tight tonight.

Feist.

Can I live here?

Why are you doing this?

Am I the only one who is smart enough to not slowly kill myself? I suppose it has nothing to do with intelligence because it's common sense that if you put anything into your body that isn't supposed to be there, then of course you're going to do damage.

One day, I'll build enough courage up to post this on facebook where you, and everyone else can see this. I'm upset of what could happen if I did; I'm not scared of you. I care about you enough to lose you if this would make you shut up and realize how stupid you're being.

Don't tell me that you drink on occasion, and don't even think about telling me that you're not getting into a habit because drinking a lot at once does damage you might not even realize. Everyone knows that drinking all the time is bad for you, but drinking too much at once can kill you just as easily.

You can get alcohol poisoning. You can choke to death on your own vomit due to alcohol's affect on your involuntary reflexes. This could cause trouble in your breathing as well. I won't go into every bad thing that can happen to you from drinking because it will take too long. But the point is, if you are vomiting all the time, laying on the floor drunk, hung-over, then something is definitely wrong.

You said something like you were funnier and more enjoyable to be around when you've been drinking. I wouldn't have been your friend if I didn't think you were fun to be around in the first place. Now you just seem like an inconsiderate, meaningless jerk.
You were so sweet and nice, and now you're not even like the same person. I don't care if you were to read this someday and get mad because you have no right to be mad.

If those people you were hanging out with were your true friends, they'd be looking out for you like I'm trying to now, despite the fact that we are thousands of miles away.

The Moment I Said It

The Moment I Sait It...
The moment I opened my mouth
Lead in your eyelids
Bulldozed the life out of me
I know what you're thinking
But darling you're not thinking straight
Suddenly things just happen we can't
explain...

It's not even light out
But you've somewhere to be
No hesitation
No I’ve never seen you like this
And I don't like it
I don't like it
I don't like it at all
Just put back the car keys
Or somebody's gonna get hurt
Who are you calling at this hour?
Sit down, come round, I need you now
We'll work it all out together
But we're getting nowhere tonight
Now sleep, I promise it'll all seem better somehow
In time...
It's not even light out
Suddenly you've somewhere to be
With no hesitation
Oh, I've never seen you like this
You're scaring me
You're scaring me
You're scaring me to death
Don't...Please...Don't
Another one...Smash
I'm losing you
Trust me on this one
I've got a bad feeling
Trust me on this one
You're gonna throw it all away
With no hesitation

Smash

Bye
bye
bye...

Imogen Heap

Why don't you say anything anymore?

There was a time when you let me know what's really going on below...

But now you never show that to me, do you?

Keep Your Heart Broken

My love will grow black if your heart gets stolen
So promise to keep your heart...
One day I'll come back if the door is still open
Just promise to keep your heart broken.

Moving out!

So much to say; so little time! This calls for bullet list:

• Was editor for school blog, quit for good reasons, became almost as free as I was in 9th grade


• Got a kitten named Arthur


• Sold house


• Bought house


• Moved stuff into house


• Ill :c

That's the majority of what I've been up to for the past few weeks. (Besides depressing post below >>)

I'm sitting in an empty room that is stripped of everything except the bed, and tonight will be my last sleep in the house I've grown up in. I'm about to say goodbye to the world I thought I lived in...

[this is the part where you go to youtube and listen to Any Other World - MIKA]

Melissa

200th post?

Hello. I haven't posted in a long time. The reason I'm posting now is because I feel that I have the right to remember why I was so upset when I look back on this year and month. Possibly though, I will never forget. I'll be as vague as possible...but I'll just say enough for myself to read this and know what I'm talking about.

There's this person who was always around. Now they aren't? Maybe it's not something I should be so worried about, but when you feel like me, it's everything you can do not to worry. So I will sit here alone and wait for them to come back, and they will come back if I'm lucky. I don't want to be replaced because I put my effort into that one person. I did everything that I would want them to do for me, and even if they don't do that...the least they could do is stick around as if to reassure me that I wouldn't lose them like I have everyone else.

The end.

Sweet Adelines Competition 2011 Part 2

I'm feeling too lazy to think back and tell you everything that happened on the rest of my competition trip. I'll tell you about the actual performance, then I'll just share some photos!

I think we did great!! I don't think I have ever been more nervous for a show in my entire life. But also, I've never been more excited either, so it was good! My legs were shaking, and it made it kind of hard to do the choreo, but thankfully it didn't involve too much moving or anything. :D

I heard part of what we sounded like on a CD, not much, but enough to hear that it was quite good! We've improved so much and I'm really proud of Inland Harmony. I have a funny memory to share from when we were backstage. There was a table backstage with things spread out for us to quickly prepare the choruses for their performance. For example, they had a jug of water, cough drops, and I think they even had lemon. I was looking at the stuff, not bothering using any of it, but then I noticed a package of pads as well on the table. xD I couldn't help but laugh! It's like, someone is just about to go onstage and their like "ZOMG I NEED A PAD ASAP!" ahahaha and secondly, almost all of the women are old enough to not need them anymore...so it was pretty random to see. :p

Here's some pictures of the trip!

The view from my hotel room which was on the eighth floor.

Me in my sparkles and stage makeup. Wow! O_o

Big Zip, Amber, and Silver, never go on a trip without me! They even got to meet a new friend, Duck, Becky (our chorus director)'s friend!

Ahaha Well, this is a picture of me and Paula, one of the Inland Harmony Basses trying on some scarves. ;D

We are the competition noobies! :D The first timers at competition! Me (lead), LuAnn (slightly in the back, baritone), Carole (baritone), Meg (lead), and Karrie (tenor) :) I love Meg's face, she was rubbing in her lipstick and they shot the picture before she was officially ready. ;)

Lots of things (kind of) have happened since competition, as it was about a month ago! We did a show with The Palouse Harmony Chorus at the high school which was super fun! I wish we could sing with those guys more often, they're so nice. We sang an eight part harmony song with them called 'And So To Sleep Again' :D I love that!

Then all of the barbershop fun ended. :( Kind of. But we are starting new songs on Monday night rehearsals and maybe some quarteting soon.

I did my ISATS for the last time ever, and I got advanced on all four tests; Reading, Language Usage, Math, and Science Woah, go me! I stayed up until 2:00am walking for the Fight against cancer thing called Relay for Life, started playing guitar again so I can start lessons without too much pain hopefully, and I cleaned my room today. The Renaissance fair was today and yesterday and it wasn't wet and icky out for once, but still a bit cold. And boring. Not much to do like there once was there. Now if you aren't going to buy a ton of stuff, you might as well just leave. Dx

I think that's about all for now, so talk later!

Paiva xx

Sweet Adeline Competition Part 1

Hello! As you may know, Inland Harmony chorus is at competition! We're in Spokane now, and today is day two of our four day awesomeness! We arrived in Spokane yesterday afternoon and ate at Chili's and looked around at the Sweet Adeline vendor people that are selling stuffs for us. Then we had a kickoff event that started off with everyone one in region 13 dancing to 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA! The longest time member that was there has been in Sweet Adelines for like...60 years!!! I think I'm the second youngest member in region 13. I didn't get much sleep between a slightly crowded bed and lots of snoring...! :/ But nonetheless we had a fun time going to bed. There are five in my hotel room: Two leads, two basses, and a tenor. No baritones???? Boo! When we were all laying in bed at midnight, I decided it would be a "good idea" to try and make us a quintet without a baritone. Didn't work out so well. So then the only song I know in Baritone is "Twas the Night Before Christmas" So we sang that and it was pretty. Fun? ahaha then someone in the room next door told us to quiet down. :D The main bad thing that as happened so far is I can't seem to find my iPod!!!!!! D:< I must find it!! :( Today I bought a verrry beautiful scarf (I'll upload pictures later) and a chorus member talked me into putting my name in a drawing to be a judge on the board in the education class this morning and OF COURSE they called my name. >> I had no idea what I was doing but I didn't do too bad. ahaha, it was pretty fun though. Then we got to listen to another chorus practice for the competition show on Saturday, then we did some practicing ourselves. Something amazing has happened in our rehearsals. We are finally hitting the flat seven chord we were having trouble with before and it sounds great!! Tonight at 4:45 we're going to be doing the mass sing. I'll try to take a video/pictures, it's going to be awesome! ;D I've been saying too many words like "Awesome, amazing, great, etc" Anyway, I'll make more updates once more stuff happens. -Melissa

Tons and tons of updates!!!

Well, it's been a few days since heapsong1 started. In a very very short summary for those who don't know what heapsong1 is...:
Imogen Heap has started making a new album and has asked her fans to help her by submitting various random sounds they record, images, videos, and even middle 8 solos and words so she can piece them all together to make the album.

(for more info, check out http://www.heapsong1.imogenheap.com/ )

On the first day, I uploaded a sound clip of myself bouncing an un-cracked egg against the side of a ceramic bowl, which made a funny little sound, almost like Mario jumping or something! I submitted it without really realizing that it successfully uploaded since it was having loading problems and IMOGEN HEAP LIKED IT!!! :D

Sadly, my recording material is too poor of quality for it to have worked out. :( Maybe next time though. I managed to catch what she said to me on film! Check out the most exciting 25 seconds of my year!! Please excuse the fangirl noises I made. :( It was also like, between midnight and 1am my time, and I didn't want to wake anyone up so I was like whisper-shreiking xD ahaha

That was the most exciting moment for me, but for my friend Toby...well, let's just say I'm surprised he's still breathing alright. ;) He submitted what she claimed to be her "favourite" sample of them all! And she even said she remembers meeting him a few times and today she said he had nice hair. :') Lucky lucky Toby!!

She ended up using the sound of his sample of a slinky in her new song, which is currently being called heapsong1. So amazing, I can't wait for this album to come out!

Also, Immi added a photo I submitted for album artwork to her favourites, meaning it's a potential to be in the album!! Whoo hoo!

Apparently all of the contributors to the album are invited to her house to have a party...I almost hope I'm not invited because if I were, I'd freak out and have no idea of how to get myself over there!! D: Either way, this is amazing stuff, AMAZING AMAZING.

Although all of this heapsong1 stuff is great, it sure is overwhelming and I can't wait until it's over and I can just listen to it! I think all of the adrenaline rushes and exciting moments have tired me out already! :)

Aside from all of the Imogen Heap stuff, I bought a Mika cd the other day called "The Boy Who Knew Too Much." I absolutely love it!! Hahah it's a little strange and creepy (and he's British like all of the other amazing people) , but it's just the music I needed to motivate me to work out, jog, clean my room, and...scare the family. ;D Maybe I will record myself dancing to one of his songs, because I can't help but dance when I hear it!! www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEhutIEUq8k&feature=related

On to the school-ish stuff. :( I'm not going to be an ambassador next year, because I really don't want to. I had such a nice freshman year. Everything was so peaceful, social stress-free, and quiet. I hate trying to work with people I don't get along with very well, and I don't like the confusing and unnecessary communication mishaps and all of that. And I will NOT wear that ugly lime green t-shirt they insist on me wearing when I go to school events. 8

I registered for next year! I'm taking a year of Algebra 2, Chemistry, American Literature, Yearbook, and PE. Then I'm taking a semester of Music Appreciation, I believe. That's 6 classes +1 for half of the year...at least I think that's what's going on. Maybe not...either way I don't want to think about it, once I'm done with this year I just want to enjoy my summer vacation before thinking about 11th grade. X_x Almost done with school. Then I'll have to go to college. Then find a job. Then move away. Then somehow find a way to survive!!!! D: ...Okay xD That's going a little overboard, I don't actually think things will be like that. But anyway, we can talk about that when the time comes. xD

I think that's basically all I need to fill you in on, for now. It is getting a little bit late and I still have school work to do this weekend as well as some more heapsong1 stuff going on that I'd like to attend I think. I might go out to Chang Sing with mom in celebration of me quitting ambassadors at the end of the year (but celebrating just cause we know I'm going to ;D) I dunno, we're not sure yet...!

Paiva xxx

The Long Day is Over

Listening to Norah Jones, The Long Day is Over. I listen to this song when I'm about ready to go to bed after a day that maybe didn't go as planned, or was emotionally/physically exhausting. In this case, I think it was all three.

Went to sister's brew today and it was interesting. I feel though, as if I've created something I'm not quite sure I meant to create and now I have to tend to it, because there's no way I can just opt out. I'm not going to go into it because I suppose it's not that big of a deal. I just feel a bit of failure. It's not often I go out or make an effort to have fun, but when I do, something always happens that just shouldn't have.

Anyway, in a bit I will lay down and hopefully dream of something that will cheer me up by the time I wake up tomorrow morning. I just have to keep telling myself that things will get better. Things will always be okay in the end, and if things aren't okay; then it's not the end. I just have to keep pushing myself even though I'm mentally absorbed of energy. There are a few things that are keeping me going by barely and without them I don't know where I'd be. I need to bring more things into my life that will make me forget about the pressures in my life at the moment so I can at least have a distraction from them. Maybe I will start exercising more, or going out by myself. It'd be easier to go out for walks and stuff if the temperature weren't in the negatives. But I don't mind the 'by myself' thing. After today, I learned a lesson. And that lesson is this: I don't mind being alone. I'd rather just be alone, with my family occassionally, my sweet adelines once a week, and skyping/msning with my long distance friends. I enjoy the time by myself I guess. I like walking home alone. I like going out alone. I like being able to ride a bike where ever I want. I don't have to ask anyone what they want to do. I don't have to be judged by anyone, or discriminated against. I can just be me, cause no one else is around to not be okay with me just being me. Because when the day is over, that's all I am anyway. Just me.

-Paiva

Write to pass the time...

It's not necessarily that I am bored or have nothing to do. People keep telling me that they keep entertained because they have a hobby. So basically what they're saying is that I don't have a hoby? Well that's a bunch of stupidness because I do. To be honest, even if I had the same hobbies as them, sitting around in the same place doing the same thing all day doesn't sound very thrilling anyway. I can only sing for so long until I start running out of songs that I know how to sing, and I can only play guitar until my fingers start to hurt and until I eventually run out of songs to play there too. I can only blog until I run out of things to say and I can only spend so much time waiting for someone to come online to talk to before I go insane. I've taken pictures of the same thing twice, I've cleaned the same spots in my room over and over, I've put posters on the walls, I've taken posters off the walls, I've turned the computer on, I've turned the computer off, and I've already rummaged through the closet. What I haven't done in a while is write. This goes along with blogging, but I will just write until I run out of things to say. I suppose I will write everything and anything that comes to my mind without hesitation. I can write letters to nobodies, share about my dreams that I have in my sleep and the ones that I have during the day. I can type until I've forgotten what I'm even writing about. Like now...What was I even going on about?

Well, today is the first day of the year. The most refreshing day of the entire year. It's a new start where one has new views, new goals, and new hope. As great as this all sounds, I sure don't feel any different than I did yesterday, to be honest. I have no resolutions, because I never complete them, I don't have new hope, not because I don't have hope for anything...it's just I have the same hope as I did last year, which was less than 24 hours ago. There is only a minute difference between the two years...it's like. I dunno my mind is wandering onto something else now. xD

I've been thinking alot about how I feel like I've been acting very motherly. It's slightly annoying. People think it's cute, and I suppose it is in a stupid sort of way. It's only cute to see, not really to feel, if you know what I mean. If a friend tells me a problem, I'm not just going to forget about it. I'm going to remember it and worry about it until I know it's all just in their past and they're over it. I think I've gotten this trait over time, because people wouldn't be like that if they had 913489734 friends. But you know me, I only seem to have a friend at a time. I mean, I can count my friends on a hand, but it's almost like they take turns of who is on centre stage. It's like they all disappear at a time except for one, and then eventually that one blends in with the others and a different one is centre stage. I don't know why, but it makes it so my thought process on the main one of the moment is constantly turning.
I used to have two friends that lived in town. For obvious reasons one of them hasn't been my friend for a long time now, but somewhat recently the last friend in town has faded out. I've lived about half of a year without physical company of others, other than the Sweet Adelines. And even though the Sweet Adelines are absolutely perfect friends, it's just not the same. It's not like I just call one up and chat all day, or invite them over for whatever. We're more like relatives to each other, not the type to hang out with. I do enjoy being alone more than most people would I think. If others were to be in my position, I'm sure they'd make a much bigger effort to be socially active, and if not, they'd probably be dead from lack of company. But you know, I don't mind it most of the time. I do get lonely though, just like any other person might. I always seem to make it through though. With the help of my Imogen Heap CDs and an occasional chat from a long distance friend via the Internet, I've been doing alright coping with friendlessness.
One day this winter break, I slept off and on all day, and when I was awake, I just sat by the light of the Christmas lights in my room, looking out the window at the snowy scene, and listened to 'Speak For Yourself' by Imogen Heap. That was probably the saddest day of my winter break. I did feel really lonely and hopeless. People sure do take advantage of what they have. People do take advantage of their friends these days, not even realizing it; when little do they know there is someone who really longs for someone to just come to their house and keep them company for a couple of hours. It almost reminds me of a story I heard of a lady who became paralyzed and couldn't walk, and she said "People take advantage of things such as having the ability to walk across the room. I can't even do that." or something like that. :(

Tomorrow is the last day of winter break. What should I do? Knowing my family, they might try to make plans to keep us all entertained for the last day, which I almost don't want to do because I'd rather just do what I want as opposed to sticking to some schedule. Although, if they don't, I'll probably just sit around like I am today, not doing anything in particular. I'd go for a long walk and just explore for a while if there weren't so much snow. And it's been like, in the single digits temperature-wise. No one likes to stay in that kind of cold for that long anyway. I could pick up the guitar and run through every song I remember how to play, maybe record myself singing Disney songs. I kind of actually want this break to end just so I don't feel that "ho-hum" feeling, but I really REALLY do not like the idea of going back to working as hard as I was before.

You know, back to the subject of feeling motherly sometimes, I suppose I should explain exactly what I mean. My heart just goes out to some certain people. You can just tell by the look in their eyes as they tell you what's up, or by word choice when they are just typing, that they really mean what they say, and that it is actually upsetting them, maybe even more than they are saying. It makes me mad that there is sometimes nothing I can do, even just to reply, I can't just SAY something. Sometimes there is just nothing to say and you have to speak through actions, but I can't really do that considering that only applies for friends who are um, actually there. >>

ANYWAYS...you see, I'm already tired of writing. I'm not even writing anything useful. I'm literally writing just to pass time. Getting frustrated. I think I'll just go listen to some Imogen Heap....for the billionth time today.

._.

Heapy New Year, Come What May 2011~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2g61ME9W6Y&feature=sub
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAYZ-RUOE-M&feature=recentu

A Heapy way to celebrate the New Year. xD

So here we are AGAINNNN GRAAH It's been so many new years now that I've had this blog. :3
Time to make a list of things that happened this year:

1.) I passed 9th grade with a 4.0!
2.) I saw Imogen Heap in Seattle LIVE <3
3.) I officially became a Sweet Adeline in February (I think that was this year...time flies so I can't remember exactly!! D:)
4.) I got to know two very good friends; James and Toby <3
5.) I actually made an effort to be social and went to some school events and met some nice people
6.) I failed a tear duct surgery. GO ME!
7.) I've got a whole new crowd in my life. Last year at this time I had quite a few people who just not for me anymore. I'm "surrounded" by better people now, I think. :)

I'm done listing random stuff that happened this year. I'm sure a lot of more stuff has changed since last year or whatever, but those are just some of the main ones. xD

List of what I want to happen in 2011?

1.) .........Pass 10th grade with another 4.0?
2.) Ummm....See Imogen Heap again?

I don't know. Come what may.

Cheers to 2011!
-Paiva

2010's Christmas

We made it through yet another Christmas. Between trying to finish enough school work in time to not have homework over the break and frantically shopping and wrapping presents; it's been a busy and hectic holiday.

Yesterday was Christmas Day, and it felt a bit different, I suppose. My favourite part was when we opened presents first thing in the morning. This was my favourite part not because of the concept of getting things and rolling in objects; but it was my favourite part because everyone seemed to be most content and cheerful at that time. The rest of the holiday was nice too, but it felt a little "Ho-hum." Despite that, I was able to talk to some good friends who really cheer me up, and I got to spend time playing Doctor Mario on the NES with my mom.

In my opinion, the anticipation of Christmas is more light-hearted and exciting than the actual day. I think the thing that really made my Christmas this year, as well as last year was the Sweet Adelines. I don't know, whenever I'm with them I feel perfect. You might not be able to tell if you were to see me with them, because I'd just be acting normal like nothing special was going on. But really, when I sing with them just for fun, I find it hard to hold back tears. There is something magical about the way we can all sit around with each other by the light of a Christmas tree and not have anything but each other. And when we sing together...that is the best Christmas present of all.

Now that all of that is over, it's time to attempt to decide what to do with myself for the rest of the winter break. Don't get me wrong; I am really enjoying not having to do school work for once, but I really just don't know what to do with myself now. If I had friends in town that could come over and just stay with me for the day, I probably wouldn't be like this. As we ALL know, all of my friends are miles away and scattered all around the world. How I wish one of them (or all of them!!!) could just move into my town and keep my company. Even though I'm good friends with the Sweet Adelines and my Mom, I really need someone my age to hang out with. As Imogen would say, "And I need someone to talk to apart from you, but I guess that's just the way..."

I hope everyone has had a great and restful Christmas! Bye, for now. Xxx
Paiva